They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
