At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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