Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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