My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
