you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
