I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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