I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
