Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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