First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
