If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
