What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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