After last night, I could never be a politician.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
