you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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