I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
