My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
