go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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