i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
