I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
