mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
