i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
