Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
