I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize