I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
