Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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