I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
