i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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