Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
