That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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