every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You ruined the universe
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
