Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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