Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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