i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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