just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
