Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
