why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
