is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i've created a new STD.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
