no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
