you guys were way drunker than both of me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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