I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
