Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I yelled at your uterus for you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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