Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
