Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize