My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
