dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So many bounce houses so little time
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
