Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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