Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
