Buhtt sex?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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