I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
