so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
