Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
