Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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