Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
