I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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