I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
