Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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