I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
