tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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