I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
