How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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