Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
